[Matt interrupts with a short, frustrated, weary sound, glancing up at Keith sideways. That intensity, that passion -- it's all very familiar. It's from another life entirely, but it hasn't changed a bit.]
That's...not what I'm afraid of. [He trails off, shudders against another nauseous heave, shudders as there's a different sort of movement entirely under the skin of his abdomen.] ...and I can't go to the infirmary. I can't -- nobody can know. Nobody can know.
[Matt slowly stands up, hand over his mouth, moving closer, close enough for Keith to smell past the acrid smell of sick. If he's any part Galra, he'll know. Of course he'll know.]
Tell what? You're throwing up, you're acting like you're hurt--
[ hunched, ever so slightly, protecting his core. protecting his stomach, and now that keith's looking...
he pulls in a deep, involuntary breath, full of something so familiar he can almost taste it on his tongue. his brows knit, uncertainty flickering across his face. ]
[Matt waits, hands drifting down unconsciously, splaying over his stomach. Protectively. He has his hopes, his hunches about how Keith will react, but if he's wrong, if it's anger and confusion instead, he's ready to defend himself.
His face is impassive. Stony.]
The Galra can change people. You know that. [It's unclear if he's talking about Shiro and his arm or Keith and his...everything.]
[ he controls a flinch. he doesn't want to believe that learning the truth about his heritage has changed him, he's still who he was before. he still likes the same foods and has the same memories and everything. it's everybody else that's side-eyeing him, looking for some big visible difference when there isn't one.
warily, ]
Are you saying-- what are you saying. The Galra changed you?
[ his gaze flickers again to matt's stomach, the way he's holding it. shielding it. if matt were a woman, it might be pretty obvious what that gesture implies.
except that's ridiculous. he can't bring himself to say it aloud, it's too bizarre. ]
[By this point Matt is tired of dancing around the subject -- he's aching all over, his stomach is still clenching unpleasantly, he's starving and horny and lonely and just so, so tired. So he's blunt, to the point, almost humorously so:]
I'm pregnant. Knocked up. Expecting. In the family way. In a delicate condition. Bun in the oven. Eating for two. [A pause, one hand pressing a little on his stomach, thoughtfully.] ...six. I'm pregnant and I'm two weeks along which doesn't seem like very long until you learn Galra gestation periods are only about four months. So, in three and a half months, more or less, I'm not going to be able to keep this a secret anymore and the entire galaxy is going to hate me.
[Matt stops, catching his breath, throat tight, eyes burning as they fix on Keith.] Are you going to be one of the ones who does, Keith? Are you going to hate me too?
[ ok, well, turns out it's no less bizarre when matt is the one saying it out loud. keith's eyes go wide and his mouth gapes open a little, probably making him look like a landed fish. he looks at matt's stomach like he's expecting something to... he doesn't know, burst out, move, be different from the way it looked a second ago.
but his jaw snaps shut when matt rounds on him, his response immediate and unthinking. ]
What? No! How could you think--
[ except obviously there's very good reason for matt to think. he scowls ferociously. ]
[Matt shifts back to lean against the wall, both arms crossed over his stomach, the only change he'll allow himself. His instincts want him to be careful, to protect his kits, to keep them safe no matter what, and it's hard to keep his body language neutral. But he has to. He has to.
And he wants to believe the denial behind that scowl, but his brow stays furrowed.]
[ he doesn't know why he's so upset about it, but the idea of hurting matt right now, of making him feel unsafe, is so fundamentally repulsive that he can't even put it properly into words. the simplest rationalization would be to protest that matt is pidge's brother and shiro's friend, so of course keith can't hate him, but that's not what came to his mind first. matt-- belongs to shiro, kind of. would be under his protection, if shiro were here, but shiro's not and keith is, and that puts matt under keith's protection. ]
If anyone ever tries to hurt you, they'd have to go through me first.
[ and then the pregnancy stuff catches up with his brain, and he yelps like an extremely high-pitched little dog. ]
[That reaction is so ridiculous, so delayed and dramatic and so very KEITH that's Matt's actually laughs. He remembers that, how this younger boy seemed physically incapable of feeling anything by halves, always putting his entire heart and soul into every emotion.
It had been something that worried and amused Shiro in equal measure.
Clearing his throat, still grinning:] Um, yes? I thought that was established.
[ yes, maybe, but not if matt's going to slide to the floor like that. keith switches from flustered to concerned instantly, kneeling down. ]
Are you okay? I can call--
[ allura, who hates galra. pidge, who has been through enough shit. ok, maybe he's starting to get an idea of what matt meant earlier by having to keep this a secret. ]
--nevermind. Let me get you some water.
[ and some anti-nausea meds if he wants them. and a damp towel for matt to wipe his face. it's distressing to think of matt alone in one of these rooms, sick and stressed and hiding it, when he should be being taken care of. someone is supposed to be with him. ]
If... if you're pregnant, you shouldn't be by yourself. This room isn't right.
[ he doesn't know why he said that, but he knows it's true. this room isn't a proper place for babies or for nesting, it smells like anxiety and disuse. ]
[It's automatic, accompanied by a particular sort of sourly stubborn look that Keith's probably seen on Pidge half a thousand times. On Matt it's undercut with a definite stoniness, even though it's a complete lie.
Then, tightening his arms around himself, softer:] I don't have any other options than to be by myself. There isn't anyone to be with.
[By which he means the one person who should be, who needs to be, is dead and gone. And the next possible option is missing. It's a reality Matt is still trying to steel himself to.]
[ that thought is crossing keith's mind as well. if shiro were here, he'd know what to say instead of turning it into an argument. if shiro were here he'd be able to handle this, he would know what matt needed and what he would listen to. keith isn't good with words and he doesn't have any authority here, matt's not going to take orders from him.
all he can do is look unhappy and frustrated, and then slide down the wall to sit down too. if matt's not going to go anywhere, then neither is keith. ]
You're wrong. Pidge would do anything for you, she's not going to-- I don't know, flip out and kick you out of the castle. You're her family. You're...
[ someone precious to shiro. ]
Shiro would. Want you to take care of yourself. To be safe.
[Based on every single one of his instincts thus far, Matt should be recoiling. He should be inching away and trying to get as much distance between himself and Keith as humanly possible. He's been doing that with everyone else, after all.
But instead...instead he stays still. Hands folded over his stomach, which is still small, still only slightly rounded. He sits very still and looks sideways at Keith, wondering why being this close isn't frightening or stressful.]
...I'm not afraid for myself. [His hands squeeze together a little tighter.] I know Kat-- Pidge wouldn't kick me out. But she'd...try to help. She'd think it'd be helping to...get rid of the problem.
...she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want her to.
[ it's nothing that keith's doing on purpose. he hasn't been around babies or pregnant mothers or anything like that since he was a kid himself, and he definitely hasn't been around any pregnant prisoners of war. the only thing in his head is a deep, instinctive horror of matt being left alone, being sick and scared, of not having shiro with him or his family or anyone who would protect him and make him feel safe.
watching matt's hands clench together over the faint, faint swell of his belly is both terrifying and-- imperative, somehow. it would be unthinkable to leave now and turn this over to pidge, or to allura, or to anybody else, even if keith would be the first to acknowledge that he doesn't know exactly what to do. that's not important. he has to do something about this. he doesn't know why, but he has to.
he also knows that upsetting matt is absolutely not what he wants to happen, so he clamps down on any reaction to what matt's saying. his only reflex is a spasm of horror across his face at the words 'get rid of the problem,' which is ridiculous, of course that's a thing people do when they don't want babies, and he's never had a visceral reaction to the thought before. ]
You. [ he makes his voice soft, neutral, holding back everything he possibly can, this is not about him. ]
You want to keep it? Them, I mean them. That's what you want?
[Matt nods, tightly, head down, hands curled tight, so tight they hurt. He can't stop, though. Can't stop because he doesn't know what Keith will think, not of this. It's bad enough that Matt's...different, altered now. Bad enough that he's in this condition.
But the fact that he wants this, that he chose this...he doesn't know how anyone can accept that. He can't stand to see the loathing, the disgust that he's certain will cross Keith's concerned, serious face. But he keeps watch anyway, sideways, eyes very bright.]
Yes. Yes, they're mine. They're -- they didn't do anything wrong. It's not their fault. [In spite of himself, his grip over his stomach softens, becoming more of a caress, a soothing gesture.] I...want. Wanted. Want this.
[ if matt is looking for loathing and disgust he's not going to see it; the only thing on keith's face is earnest concern.
he has to wonder, abruptly, if anyone ever spoke to his mother like this, or if she'd had to wrestle the problem alone. whatever she had been doing on earth, surely carrying a half-human half-galra child hadn't been part of the plan. surely there must have been a point where it would've been easier, safer, more rational to not keep a baby. ]
...okay.
[ he blows out his breath. probably he should be asking a lot more questions, like why and who but matt already made his decision, he wants to keep the babies, and as far as keith's concerned that's the end of it. ]
Okay. Then we need-- we need to make a plan. Like you said, it won't be a secret for long, and you're going to need... things.
[There's a pause, long enough that it likely makes Keith nervous, because Matt has honestly been expecting...anything else. Disgust and horror, yes, but maybe awkwardness, maybe scorn, maybe even panic.
But then again, this is Keith. Keith, who rarely has a plan for himself, but cares so deeply, so firmly about protecting everyone else. Keith who isn't running away, isn't lecturing or yelling or trying to hurt him. Keith, who is radiating protectiveness and safety and strength in a way nobody else on this ship is.
Before he knows what he's doing, Matt is scooting over, closing the distance and pressing himself to Keith's side, his whole body shivering in relief at the contact. He hadn't realized how much he missed it, how desperately he was craving it, not until his head drops to Keith's shoulder and his whole body relaxes.]
keith freezes for a second when matt scoots right up next to him, not sure what's going on, but then a wave of ...something passes over him, like the faintest waft of someone's perfume, and his hindbrain apparently takes over. his arm goes around matt's shoulders automatically, protectively, sheltering him. ]
Um. I. [ blushing??? ]
D-don't thank me. I'm not-- it's your decision, isn't it? It should be your decision.
[Up until now, even when it's been his sister doing it, any sort of physical contact has made Matt twitchy and nervous. It's not safe, it's not a guarantee that he can keep the tiny lives inside him protected. The Galra hate him for being human, everyone else will hate him for carrying Galra kits. It's simple logic.
But when Keith does it -- his arm is thicker, stronger than it was when they were in school -- Matt doesn't question it for a moment. He lets out a soft sigh, nuzzles his cheek to the soft fabric of Keith's jacket, half-smiles.]
It's not that simple. You know that. [There's no reproach in it, just a gentle chastising.
After a moment:] I wasn't forced. In case you were wondering. It wasn't...mind control or threats or...anything.
It should be. You were abducted, you've had enough shit happen to you that was out of your control. Shiro wouldn't let anyone order you around.
[ and since shiro isn't here, that means it's keith's job, obviously.
he looks down sharply at the top of matt's head when he leans in, and then says that; keith hadn't wanted to ask, just in case the answer was traumatic. it's none of his business. it's nobody's business to hound matt about it either, unless he wants to talk about it.
awkwardly, ]
Do you-- was there-- is there a father? You don't have to answer, it's okay, it's none of my business, but if you think the Galra might come after you, you don't have to worry.
[Matt shifts a little so he can look up at Keith under the too-long fringe of his hair. What he means to say is Shiro's gone, a painful reminder that makes his chest ache every time he thinks it. Instead:] You miss him. Don't you?
[Then, with a soft huff:] I didn't reproduce asexually. Yes, there was a father.
...I don't think they'll come after me. [But for the first time he doesn't sound sure.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-01-28 05:49 pm (UTC)That's...not what I'm afraid of. [He trails off, shudders against another nauseous heave, shudders as there's a different sort of movement entirely under the skin of his abdomen.] ...and I can't go to the infirmary. I can't -- nobody can know. Nobody can know.
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Date: 2017-01-28 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-29 05:17 pm (UTC)Can't you tell?
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Date: 2017-01-29 08:27 pm (UTC)[ hunched, ever so slightly, protecting his core. protecting his stomach, and now that keith's looking...
he pulls in a deep, involuntary breath, full of something so familiar he can almost taste it on his tongue. his brows knit, uncertainty flickering across his face. ]
I don't understand.
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Date: 2017-01-30 05:08 pm (UTC)His face is impassive. Stony.]
The Galra can change people. You know that. [It's unclear if he's talking about Shiro and his arm or Keith and his...everything.]
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Date: 2017-01-31 07:09 am (UTC)warily, ]
Are you saying-- what are you saying. The Galra changed you?
[ his gaze flickers again to matt's stomach, the way he's holding it. shielding it. if matt were a woman, it might be pretty obvious what that gesture implies.
except that's ridiculous. he can't bring himself to say it aloud, it's too bizarre. ]
Just tell me.
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Date: 2017-02-01 04:54 am (UTC)I'm pregnant. Knocked up. Expecting. In the family way. In a delicate condition. Bun in the oven. Eating for two. [A pause, one hand pressing a little on his stomach, thoughtfully.] ...six. I'm pregnant and I'm two weeks along which doesn't seem like very long until you learn Galra gestation periods are only about four months. So, in three and a half months, more or less, I'm not going to be able to keep this a secret anymore and the entire galaxy is going to hate me.
[Matt stops, catching his breath, throat tight, eyes burning as they fix on Keith.] Are you going to be one of the ones who does, Keith? Are you going to hate me too?
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Date: 2017-02-06 08:40 am (UTC)but his jaw snaps shut when matt rounds on him, his response immediate and unthinking. ]
What? No! How could you think--
[ except obviously there's very good reason for matt to think. he scowls ferociously. ]
No.
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Date: 2017-02-06 01:35 pm (UTC)And he wants to believe the denial behind that scowl, but his brow stays furrowed.]
Really?
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Date: 2017-02-07 04:14 am (UTC)[ he doesn't know why he's so upset about it, but the idea of hurting matt right now, of making him feel unsafe, is so fundamentally repulsive that he can't even put it properly into words. the simplest rationalization would be to protest that matt is pidge's brother and shiro's friend, so of course keith can't hate him, but that's not what came to his mind first. matt-- belongs to shiro, kind of. would be under his protection, if shiro were here, but shiro's not and keith is, and that puts matt under keith's protection. ]
If anyone ever tries to hurt you, they'd have to go through me first.
[ and then the pregnancy stuff catches up with his brain, and he yelps like an extremely high-pitched little dog. ]
Wait, you're pregnant?
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Date: 2017-02-07 04:34 pm (UTC)It had been something that worried and amused Shiro in equal measure.
Clearing his throat, still grinning:] Um, yes? I thought that was established.
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Date: 2017-02-08 01:26 am (UTC)[ just give him a minute or eight to flounder through it, doing his very best impression of a stunned fish. ]
--you're pregnant with. From. A Galra. With Galra babies.
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Date: 2017-02-09 07:05 pm (UTC)No, wait, no he can't, standing is a chore these days, so he slowly lowers to sit cross-legged, exhaling in relief.]
Yeah, that's what "pregnant" means. Would you like me to draw you a diagram?
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Date: 2017-02-10 08:12 am (UTC)Are you okay? I can call--
[ allura, who hates galra. pidge, who has been through enough shit. ok, maybe he's starting to get an idea of what matt meant earlier by having to keep this a secret. ]
--nevermind. Let me get you some water.
[ and some anti-nausea meds if he wants them. and a damp towel for matt to wipe his face. it's distressing to think of matt alone in one of these rooms, sick and stressed and hiding it, when he should be being taken care of. someone is supposed to be with him. ]
If... if you're pregnant, you shouldn't be by yourself. This room isn't right.
[ he doesn't know why he said that, but he knows it's true. this room isn't a proper place for babies or for nesting, it smells like anxiety and disuse. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-02-10 04:55 pm (UTC)[It's automatic, accompanied by a particular sort of sourly stubborn look that Keith's probably seen on Pidge half a thousand times. On Matt it's undercut with a definite stoniness, even though it's a complete lie.
Then, tightening his arms around himself, softer:] I don't have any other options than to be by myself. There isn't anyone to be with.
[By which he means the one person who should be, who needs to be, is dead and gone. And the next possible option is missing. It's a reality Matt is still trying to steel himself to.]
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Date: 2017-02-10 06:49 pm (UTC)all he can do is look unhappy and frustrated, and then slide down the wall to sit down too. if matt's not going to go anywhere, then neither is keith. ]
You're wrong. Pidge would do anything for you, she's not going to-- I don't know, flip out and kick you out of the castle. You're her family. You're...
[ someone precious to shiro. ]
Shiro would. Want you to take care of yourself. To be safe.
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Date: 2017-02-12 01:42 am (UTC)But instead...instead he stays still. Hands folded over his stomach, which is still small, still only slightly rounded. He sits very still and looks sideways at Keith, wondering why being this close isn't frightening or stressful.]
...I'm not afraid for myself. [His hands squeeze together a little tighter.] I know Kat-- Pidge wouldn't kick me out. But she'd...try to help. She'd think it'd be helping to...get rid of the problem.
...she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want her to.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-18 07:36 am (UTC)watching matt's hands clench together over the faint, faint swell of his belly is both terrifying and-- imperative, somehow. it would be unthinkable to leave now and turn this over to pidge, or to allura, or to anybody else, even if keith would be the first to acknowledge that he doesn't know exactly what to do. that's not important. he has to do something about this. he doesn't know why, but he has to.
he also knows that upsetting matt is absolutely not what he wants to happen, so he clamps down on any reaction to what matt's saying. his only reflex is a spasm of horror across his face at the words 'get rid of the problem,' which is ridiculous, of course that's a thing people do when they don't want babies, and he's never had a visceral reaction to the thought before. ]
You. [ he makes his voice soft, neutral, holding back everything he possibly can, this is not about him. ]
You want to keep it? Them, I mean them. That's what you want?
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 07:45 pm (UTC)But the fact that he wants this, that he chose this...he doesn't know how anyone can accept that. He can't stand to see the loathing, the disgust that he's certain will cross Keith's concerned, serious face. But he keeps watch anyway, sideways, eyes very bright.]
Yes. Yes, they're mine. They're -- they didn't do anything wrong. It's not their fault. [In spite of himself, his grip over his stomach softens, becoming more of a caress, a soothing gesture.] I...want. Wanted. Want this.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-20 08:00 am (UTC)he has to wonder, abruptly, if anyone ever spoke to his mother like this, or if she'd had to wrestle the problem alone. whatever she had been doing on earth, surely carrying a half-human half-galra child hadn't been part of the plan. surely there must have been a point where it would've been easier, safer, more rational to not keep a baby. ]
...okay.
[ he blows out his breath. probably he should be asking a lot more questions, like why and who but matt already made his decision, he wants to keep the babies, and as far as keith's concerned that's the end of it. ]
Okay. Then we need-- we need to make a plan. Like you said, it won't be a secret for long, and you're going to need... things.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-21 12:44 am (UTC)But then again, this is Keith. Keith, who rarely has a plan for himself, but cares so deeply, so firmly about protecting everyone else. Keith who isn't running away, isn't lecturing or yelling or trying to hurt him. Keith, who is radiating protectiveness and safety and strength in a way nobody else on this ship is.
Before he knows what he's doing, Matt is scooting over, closing the distance and pressing himself to Keith's side, his whole body shivering in relief at the contact. He hadn't realized how much he missed it, how desperately he was craving it, not until his head drops to Keith's shoulder and his whole body relaxes.]
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-21 04:14 am (UTC)keith freezes for a second when matt scoots right up next to him, not sure what's going on, but then a wave of ...something passes over him, like the faintest waft of someone's perfume, and his hindbrain apparently takes over. his arm goes around matt's shoulders automatically, protectively, sheltering him. ]
Um. I. [ blushing??? ]
D-don't thank me. I'm not-- it's your decision, isn't it? It should be your decision.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-22 04:40 am (UTC)But when Keith does it -- his arm is thicker, stronger than it was when they were in school -- Matt doesn't question it for a moment. He lets out a soft sigh, nuzzles his cheek to the soft fabric of Keith's jacket, half-smiles.]
It's not that simple. You know that. [There's no reproach in it, just a gentle chastising.
After a moment:] I wasn't forced. In case you were wondering. It wasn't...mind control or threats or...anything.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-23 05:05 am (UTC)It should be. You were abducted, you've had enough shit happen to you that was out of your control. Shiro wouldn't let anyone order you around.
[ and since shiro isn't here, that means it's keith's job, obviously.
he looks down sharply at the top of matt's head when he leans in, and then says that; keith hadn't wanted to ask, just in case the answer was traumatic. it's none of his business. it's nobody's business to hound matt about it either, unless he wants to talk about it.
awkwardly, ]
Do you-- was there-- is there a father? You don't have to answer, it's okay, it's none of my business, but if you think the Galra might come after you, you don't have to worry.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-27 01:30 am (UTC)[Then, with a soft huff:] I didn't reproduce asexually. Yes, there was a father.
...I don't think they'll come after me. [But for the first time he doesn't sound sure.]
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