[ he has no frame of reference for any of this except, apparently, his own subconscious instincts, but it rubs him wrong to think of matt settling for something less than what he really needs. what he deserves. he'd been relaxed against keith earlier, small and strangely fragile in his arms. ]
[It's softer, more shaky than Matt's let himself be this entire time. His chest is tight with the weight of what Keith is agreeing to, promising to try and be. It's not fair, and Matt knows he shouldn't have asked in the first place.
But god, he's glad he did. He's glad, and the immediate way he thinks of to express that gratitude is to step forward, closer, until he can feel the warmth radiating from Keith -- not quite enough, not the right heat or smell, but closer than he's felt in ages -- and slowly lean his head to rest on the other boy's shoulder.]
[ he probably should clarified something before agreeing-- does matt
just want someone to sleep in the bed with him, platonically? because that
might have been a safer starting point for both of them, even if the odds
were pretty good that things might escalate. keith has heard rumors about
the appetites of pregnant women, and he can only assume that galra females
must have the same thing, or matt wouldn't be so invested in body warmth
and skin contact. intimate touch.
apparently he just rocketed himself from semi-virgin teenager to
expecting single father. someday, someday, he will remember shiro's
advice and think before he opens his mouth or takes a leap.
at the same time, he knows he's made the right decision when matt
says his name so shakily, like he was expecting keith to suddenly dig in
his heels and decide he couldn't handle this. it's natural, too, to close
his arms around matt and pull him in, feeling protective. maybe it's too
much to ask that keith try to stand in for all these missing people, but
it's just as unfair that matt is being forced to go through this without
the support he should have had. he needs someone, and if keith is
the the only one willing then that's just how it is. ]
In for a penny, in for a pound, right?
[ he bites his lip, though. ]
Um. Shiro and I-- we didn't get a chance to do much, but I'm not a virgin.
[Matt shifts enough to look up through his mussed hair at Keith, barely hiding a grin.]
You'll have to tell me what you did do. [And, bizarrely, it's not said in jealousy, or even in spite. He means it. For whatever reason, the thought of the two of them -- Shiro broad-shouldered and stoic to a fault, solid and dependable and unwavering, and Keith, who's all fire and passion and emotion -- is nice. Both on a logical level and one much more...physical.
His chest is tight, heart thudding heavily in his ribs, and there's heat coiling in his stomach, and lower. Places he's tried in vain to ignore since -- well, since his return. But now he's bolder, stepping away enough to take Keith's hand and tug him along, towards where he remembers the other boy's room is.]
[ they definitely didn't do enough to prepare him for a situation like this. they'd only had penetrative sex a handful of times because shiro had chosen that as his arbitrary line in the sand when they'd been at garrison together, and up in space there was somehow a shocking lack of privacy and free time. somebody was always knocking on shiro's door for something, and he didn't feel comfortable sharing a room when he still had panic attacks and night terrors. he'd said that he didn't want to wake up and find out he'd hurt keith.
keith had been slowly working on changing his mind. they were connected as paladins, now, attuned to each other and their lions. he felt shiro's nightmares all the way across the ship as much as he felt red and black. he was pretty sure that shiro would never be able to surprise him. ]
We. Uh.
[ he doesn't even know why he's blushing, probably matt already knew about it when they'd been sneaking around at garrison. keith had been really pushy back then, cornering shiro in dark classrooms and supply closets, getting on his knees at every opportunity just because the misbehavior drove shiro nuts. ]
I chased him at Garrison. You probably knew that. He wanted to be careful, he didn't want to hurt my chances-- like it wouldn't have hurt his, but he was always worried about my career. I didn't give a shit. I should've, I think that scared him more than anything else, but I would've dropped out to be with him and re-applied when he graduated. I was uh, kind of into the naughty student thing, I guess. He said he wasn't but he'd get rougher with me. I could tell he liked it.
[ also why is he answering this for matt he doesn't know, it's not like him to just spill his guts about his and shiro's relationship. maybe it's because matt might be the only person he can talk to about it, even now. he can't bring his feelings about this into the lion bond without risking upsetting the balance they have as paladins. ]
Wh-- now?
[ jesus christ he's unleashed a monster but here he is going along with matt, unresisting. this is actually. probably exactly how shiro used to feel, when keith was the one towing him along determinedly to the nearest locking door, not giving a damn about anything else along the way. ]
[Matt makes a thoughtful humming sound, very nonchalant for someone who is currently a) very horny b) knocked up and c) attempting to solve at least one of those problems while hearing about said solution's past sexual exploits. Still, the look on his face is one of amusement and something like fondness.]
That sounds like him. That maddening mixture of responsibility and inability to say no to certain people. [Have the cheekiest of grins -- Keith was/is one of those people, and Matt definitely was too.
Then, pausing mid-stride, tilting his head a little:] Are you busy right now?
[ yeah he's noticing that. this is completely destroying his
previous perception of matt, which he's starting to think was very, very
wrong.
he suddenly has a lot more sympathy for shiro's protests. they're
not doing anything wrong, technically, they're both consenting adults and
all that, but he still feels like someone might suddenly pop out and yell
at him for overstepping. like pidge, maybe. or lance. lance might be
worse. ]
No. No, I'm not busy. The others are used to me training by myself, or
spending time in the hangar.
[The real question is, did the Galra make Matt a total freak horndog or was he always that way?
Either way, he can't seem to figure out the door, waving his hand at it a couple times, like he's expecting it to work like an automatic door at the supermarket. No dice. Have an expectant look, Keith.]
Soooo they won't miss you for like...two hours? Three? [Jfc at least take breaks to hydrate, kids.]
[ questions he's afraid to ask to be honest. he presses his palm to the door to open it, waiting a second while it verifies him. it's not that he doesn't trust everyone on the ship, but he really can't handle anyone walking in on him when he's clutching the pillow that used to belong to shiro and crying over it. they'd made the decision to leave shiro's room as it was, but keith hadn't been able to help stealing some of his blankets, things that smelled like him, and installing them in his own room. ]
I'll add you to the security profile.
[ oh my god matt. ]
...um. I guess not.
[ sorry his room is kind of messy, he hasn't really been devoting himself to keeping things up to garrison barracks standards. his sheets are tangled like he's been having nightmares, and there's a couple extra pillows on there. ]
[Matt is very businesslike when he walks into the room, clearly about to draw a diagram of his proposed plan for the next multitude of hours. But then he sees the pillows, smells them, even from across the room -- his senses are so weird lately, oversensitive like the rest of him -- and the energy just sort of. Drains out of him.
He leans one arm against the wall, suddenly feeling too weak to stand, too overwhelmed by the familiar, longed-for scent, the knowledge that Keith has that same longing ache for Shiro that Matt himself does. The stutter in his heartbeat has the momentarily-still kits wiggling in protest, made anxious by his obvious emotional state.]
[ at first he freezes, afraid that he'd done something wrong, but
then he sees where matt's looking and his shoulders hunch up reflexively.
he hadn't thought about the fact that matt can probably smell exactly what
he's smelling, and would know exactly who those pillows and some of the
blankets belong to, and know exactly how pathetic keith is when he's alone
in his bunk, clutching shiro's old pillow. ]
It's fine, [ he says too quickly, darting his gaze away so he
doesn't have to see the expression on matt's face. ] It's. I'm
fine. Does the smell bother you? I can put them away.
[Matt shakes his head, firmly, one hand curled tight into the shirt over his stomach. He's quite a bit paler now, even after the short walk down the hall. He says again, softer:] No, I want you both here.
[Then, as if realizing what he's said:] Both. Smells. I want both. Is that...all right?
[ it's appropriate, somehow. he might not have been able to explain
why, but matt is apparently on the same page. ]
...you don't look so good. Here, uh, sit down. [ on the messy bed.
keith hovers, fussing in case matt needs a hand or a shoulder to lean on.
] Do you want some water?
[The fussing is...cute. It's unnecessary, because Matt's already sitting on the bed cross-legged, letting out a relieved sigh and leaning back on his hands to ease the strain on his back. Like this it's evident that there's been physical change -- like a basketball under his shirt, even this early on.
The smell helps. It's familiar, soothing. He wishes suddenly that he had something of Thace's too, some way to keep that memory alive. The minute he thinks it, there's a physical pain down his spine, settling in his hips and the anxious squirming starts up again.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Matt replies in a markedly strained voice:] It's not -- I don't need any water, thank you. It isn't physical. It's like...they know what I'm thinking. Or feeling.
[Quieter:] They know I'm alone, and they hate it. I think it scares them.
[ yeah that's. that's definitely a bump, and it's weird to see it.
it's weird to see matt sitting on his bed in the first place, like some
strange deja vu of the last time pidge had come in to his room to rattle
around and yammer about aliens.
and of course matt talking about 'them' draws keith's gaze
immediately down to his stomach, as if he could see what was happening
under the skin. he doesn't know much about human babies, but that seems
out of the ordinary. one more thing for matt to have to deal with on top
of everything else that's stacked up. he eases down on the bed next to
matt, carefully wrapping an arm around his shoulders. ]
[Like he's reading Keith's mind, Matt says --] It's not like humans. We have fairly simple prenatal requirements. As long as the mother is physically healthy, so is the baby. Gales are different.
[As soon as Keith gets close, earnest big bright eyes and arm around his shoulders, Matt lets out a soft gasp, then laughs, genuinely.] Oh, they like you.
I don't think it's that. I think they just...can tell I'm more relaxed around you.
[Matt huffs out a little laugh, reaching to take Keith's hand and settle it on his stomach, covering it with his own. ] Definitely not human babies in here.
[Under the warm, firm swell of his abdomen, there's a tiny cacophony of flutters, like butterflies caught inside, all centered around Keith's hand.]
[ a-ahhhh that still feels incredibly weird, but also kind of neat
now that he's a little more used to the sensation. he strokes over the
spot like he would pet a cat, gentle and careful. ]
You said there were... what, six? They must be so small...
[ much smaller than human babies, if so many can share the space.
]
[Much like a cat, Matt lets out a soft, contented sound, slowly easing to lie on his back, watching Keith stroke his stomach.]
Mmm-hm. Pretty sure there's six. Some are more active than others. They'll be tiny when they're born. Won't be able to see or hear anything for a few weeks.
[He frowns a little, the slightest bit of concern crossing his face.] Helpless. It makes me worried to think about how helpless they'll be.
[It makes Matt laugh a little, the flutters under Keith's hand responding by intensifying for a moment -- clearly they like that, if the way they're moving means anything.] It's what they are. Nothing offensive in the truth.
[Then he sobers a little, reaching up and covering Keith's hand with his own, something soft and intent in his eyes.] Thank you. You don't have to do this, you know. If you ever change your mind...if it's too much...
They're not, I mean... they'll be like me, won't they? I don't think I was
born with a tail.
[ oh no those adorable little flutters. he can't meet matt's gaze
like that for long, letting his own drop down to his stomach. the words
"this is what shiro would want" are on the tip of his tongue, but he
doesn't want matt to feel like this is just an obligation to shiro's
memory-- it's the right thing to do, with or without shiro.
quiet, ]
Nobody helped my dad with me. I didn't look like an alien, as far as I
remember, so nobody had a real reason to object-- they just didn't want
to. Single parent with a baby, thought it looked like too much work. They
figured he'd get by. And we did, for a while.
Then he died, and I didn't have anyone. All those same people that didn't
want to get involved with a baby didn't want an older kid, either. So I
got by on my own, but it wasn't good, and I wasn't happy. I thought I was
doing fine, though, because I didn't know any better. I still didn't know
any better until I met Shiro, and I figured out that things could have--
should have been different for me.
Shiro would do this for you. So would-- my dad. And my mom, I think. All
of them would know that it's the right thing to do.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-05-01 03:33 am (UTC)[ he has no frame of reference for any of this except, apparently, his own subconscious instincts, but it rubs him wrong to think of matt settling for something less than what he really needs. what he deserves. he'd been relaxed against keith earlier, small and strangely fragile in his arms. ]
You don't have to ask. I'll do it.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-02 01:34 am (UTC)[It's softer, more shaky than Matt's let himself be this entire time. His chest is tight with the weight of what Keith is agreeing to, promising to try and be. It's not fair, and Matt knows he shouldn't have asked in the first place.
But god, he's glad he did. He's glad, and the immediate way he thinks of to express that gratitude is to step forward, closer, until he can feel the warmth radiating from Keith -- not quite enough, not the right heat or smell, but closer than he's felt in ages -- and slowly lean his head to rest on the other boy's shoulder.]
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-04 12:45 am (UTC)[ he probably should clarified something before agreeing-- does matt just want someone to sleep in the bed with him, platonically? because that might have been a safer starting point for both of them, even if the odds were pretty good that things might escalate. keith has heard rumors about the appetites of pregnant women, and he can only assume that galra females must have the same thing, or matt wouldn't be so invested in body warmth and skin contact. intimate touch.
apparently he just rocketed himself from semi-virgin teenager to expecting single father. someday, someday, he will remember shiro's advice and think before he opens his mouth or takes a leap.
at the same time, he knows he's made the right decision when matt says his name so shakily, like he was expecting keith to suddenly dig in his heels and decide he couldn't handle this. it's natural, too, to close his arms around matt and pull him in, feeling protective. maybe it's too much to ask that keith try to stand in for all these missing people, but it's just as unfair that matt is being forced to go through this without the support he should have had. he needs someone, and if keith is the the only one willing then that's just how it is. ]
In for a penny, in for a pound, right?
[ he bites his lip, though. ]
Um. Shiro and I-- we didn't get a chance to do much, but I'm not a virgin.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-04 02:10 am (UTC)You'll have to tell me what you did do. [And, bizarrely, it's not said in jealousy, or even in spite. He means it. For whatever reason, the thought of the two of them -- Shiro broad-shouldered and stoic to a fault, solid and dependable and unwavering, and Keith, who's all fire and passion and emotion -- is nice. Both on a logical level and one much more...physical.
His chest is tight, heart thudding heavily in his ribs, and there's heat coiling in his stomach, and lower. Places he's tried in vain to ignore since -- well, since his return. But now he's bolder, stepping away enough to take Keith's hand and tug him along, towards where he remembers the other boy's room is.]
You aren't busy, are you?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-04 03:09 pm (UTC)keith had been slowly working on changing his mind. they were connected as paladins, now, attuned to each other and their lions. he felt shiro's nightmares all the way across the ship as much as he felt red and black. he was pretty sure that shiro would never be able to surprise him. ]
We. Uh.
[ he doesn't even know why he's blushing, probably matt already knew about it when they'd been sneaking around at garrison. keith had been really pushy back then, cornering shiro in dark classrooms and supply closets, getting on his knees at every opportunity just because the misbehavior drove shiro nuts. ]
I chased him at Garrison. You probably knew that. He wanted to be careful, he didn't want to hurt my chances-- like it wouldn't have hurt his, but he was always worried about my career. I didn't give a shit. I should've, I think that scared him more than anything else, but I would've dropped out to be with him and re-applied when he graduated. I was uh, kind of into the naughty student thing, I guess. He said he wasn't but he'd get rougher with me. I could tell he liked it.
[ also why is he answering this for matt he doesn't know, it's not like him to just spill his guts about his and shiro's relationship. maybe it's because matt might be the only person he can talk to about it, even now. he can't bring his feelings about this into the lion bond without risking upsetting the balance they have as paladins. ]
Wh-- now?
[ jesus christ he's unleashed a monster but here he is going along with matt, unresisting. this is actually. probably exactly how shiro used to feel, when keith was the one towing him along determinedly to the nearest locking door, not giving a damn about anything else along the way. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-04 06:13 pm (UTC)That sounds like him. That maddening mixture of responsibility and inability to say no to certain people. [Have the cheekiest of grins -- Keith was/is one of those people, and Matt definitely was too.
Then, pausing mid-stride, tilting his head a little:] Are you busy right now?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-06 12:57 am (UTC)[ yeah he's noticing that. this is completely destroying his previous perception of matt, which he's starting to think was very, very wrong.
he suddenly has a lot more sympathy for shiro's protests. they're not doing anything wrong, technically, they're both consenting adults and all that, but he still feels like someone might suddenly pop out and yell at him for overstepping. like pidge, maybe. or lance. lance might be worse. ]
No. No, I'm not busy. The others are used to me training by myself, or spending time in the hangar.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-06 04:48 am (UTC)Either way, he can't seem to figure out the door, waving his hand at it a couple times, like he's expecting it to work like an automatic door at the supermarket. No dice. Have an expectant look, Keith.]
Soooo they won't miss you for like...two hours? Three? [Jfc at least take breaks to hydrate, kids.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-08 03:15 pm (UTC)I'll add you to the security profile.
[ oh my god matt. ]
...um. I guess not.
[ sorry his room is kind of messy, he hasn't really been devoting himself to keeping things up to garrison barracks standards. his sheets are tangled like he's been having nightmares, and there's a couple extra pillows on there. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-08 06:24 pm (UTC)He leans one arm against the wall, suddenly feeling too weak to stand, too overwhelmed by the familiar, longed-for scent, the knowledge that Keith has that same longing ache for Shiro that Matt himself does. The stutter in his heartbeat has the momentarily-still kits wiggling in protest, made anxious by his obvious emotional state.]
...oh, Keith.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-09 12:30 am (UTC)[ at first he freezes, afraid that he'd done something wrong, but then he sees where matt's looking and his shoulders hunch up reflexively. he hadn't thought about the fact that matt can probably smell exactly what he's smelling, and would know exactly who those pillows and some of the blankets belong to, and know exactly how pathetic keith is when he's alone in his bunk, clutching shiro's old pillow. ]
It's fine, [ he says too quickly, darting his gaze away so he doesn't have to see the expression on matt's face. ] It's. I'm fine. Does the smell bother you? I can put them away.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-09 06:01 pm (UTC)[Matt shakes his head, firmly, one hand curled tight into the shirt over his stomach. He's quite a bit paler now, even after the short walk down the hall. He says again, softer:] No, I want you both here.
[Then, as if realizing what he's said:] Both. Smells. I want both. Is that...all right?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-09 07:05 pm (UTC)Yeah. That's-- that's fine with me.
[ it's appropriate, somehow. he might not have been able to explain why, but matt is apparently on the same page. ]
...you don't look so good. Here, uh, sit down. [ on the messy bed. keith hovers, fussing in case matt needs a hand or a shoulder to lean on. ] Do you want some water?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 12:29 am (UTC)The smell helps. It's familiar, soothing. He wishes suddenly that he had something of Thace's too, some way to keep that memory alive. The minute he thinks it, there's a physical pain down his spine, settling in his hips and the anxious squirming starts up again.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Matt replies in a markedly strained voice:] It's not -- I don't need any water, thank you. It isn't physical. It's like...they know what I'm thinking. Or feeling.
[Quieter:] They know I'm alone, and they hate it. I think it scares them.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 12:52 am (UTC)[ yeah that's. that's definitely a bump, and it's weird to see it. it's weird to see matt sitting on his bed in the first place, like some strange deja vu of the last time pidge had come in to his room to rattle around and yammer about aliens.
and of course matt talking about 'them' draws keith's gaze immediately down to his stomach, as if he could see what was happening under the skin. he doesn't know much about human babies, but that seems out of the ordinary. one more thing for matt to have to deal with on top of everything else that's stacked up. he eases down on the bed next to matt, carefully wrapping an arm around his shoulders. ]
You're not. You're not alone.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 04:06 am (UTC)[As soon as Keith gets close, earnest big bright eyes and arm around his shoulders, Matt lets out a soft gasp, then laughs, genuinely.] Oh, they like you.
...want to feel?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 12:55 am (UTC)They like me?
[ they're just babies how can they like anything. he blinks, looking boggled. ]
Can they... what, tell that I'm Galra? They want you to be around Galra?
[ that wouldn't explain matt's reaction to shiro's scent though. ]
...yeah. Yeah, okay. Do they, uh, mind? Do they like being touched? I didn't think human babies noticed.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 02:41 am (UTC)[Matt huffs out a little laugh, reaching to take Keith's hand and settle it on his stomach, covering it with his own. ] Definitely not human babies in here.
[Under the warm, firm swell of his abdomen, there's a tiny cacophony of flutters, like butterflies caught inside, all centered around Keith's hand.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 11:59 pm (UTC)[ a-ahhhh that still feels incredibly weird, but also kind of neat now that he's a little more used to the sensation. he strokes over the spot like he would pet a cat, gentle and careful. ]
You said there were... what, six? They must be so small...
[ much smaller than human babies, if so many can share the space. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-12 02:58 am (UTC)Mmm-hm. Pretty sure there's six. Some are more active than others. They'll be tiny when they're born. Won't be able to see or hear anything for a few weeks.
[He frowns a little, the slightest bit of concern crossing his face.] Helpless. It makes me worried to think about how helpless they'll be.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-14 06:59 pm (UTC)Like real kittens.
[ he says it without thinking and then flushes red again, faltering in his rhythm. way to compare them to animals. ]
--sorry, that's. Probably rude.
[ the concern in matt's expression and voice makes his gut twist, though, and he shakes his head. ]
Don't worry about that, okay? You're safe here. They'll be safe here. I'm going to be right here with you.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-14 07:20 pm (UTC)[Then he sobers a little, reaching up and covering Keith's hand with his own, something soft and intent in his eyes.] Thank you. You don't have to do this, you know. If you ever change your mind...if it's too much...
no subject
Date: 2017-05-14 09:49 pm (UTC)[ indignant, ]
They're not, I mean... they'll be like me, won't they? I don't think I was born with a tail.
[ oh no those adorable little flutters. he can't meet matt's gaze like that for long, letting his own drop down to his stomach. the words "this is what shiro would want" are on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't want matt to feel like this is just an obligation to shiro's memory-- it's the right thing to do, with or without shiro.
quiet, ]
Nobody helped my dad with me. I didn't look like an alien, as far as I remember, so nobody had a real reason to object-- they just didn't want to. Single parent with a baby, thought it looked like too much work. They figured he'd get by. And we did, for a while.
Then he died, and I didn't have anyone. All those same people that didn't want to get involved with a baby didn't want an older kid, either. So I got by on my own, but it wasn't good, and I wasn't happy. I thought I was doing fine, though, because I didn't know any better. I still didn't know any better until I met Shiro, and I figured out that things could have-- should have been different for me.
Shiro would do this for you. So would-- my dad. And my mom, I think. All of them would know that it's the right thing to do.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-17 03:39 am (UTC)[His voice is a little dry at this. Clearly he's seen more than a few without their clothes.
But then he softens, pulls a little on Keith's wrist.] Come down here. Lie down. Please? I don't like hollering up at you.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-17 11:21 pm (UTC)[ oh my god keith doesn't want to think about that. he moves forward gingerly, shifting down onto his side next to matt. ]
Like this?
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