an open post happened

[theotherholt]

open post for a guy who has .001% of the VLD screentime and about 75% of my heart

Comments

sad tragic kitten au

[theotherholt]

[He should be happy.

He's back with his younger sibling, he's surrounded by human faces all day and night (even the Altean's slightly different features are more humanoid than he's seen in months), he's allowed to sleep when he wants, eat what he wants, do what he wants. He's safe.

Matt should be over-the-moon ecstatic, unable to contain himself, leaping for joy. But he's not.

He's not, because there are so many things he hasn't told anyone about, not the Blades, not the Paladins, not anyone. That it wasn't all torture and torment with the Galra. That he didn't always go to bed hungry or scared or alone. That there were things there, people there that he misses.

In fact, there's one thing that he's even afraid to admit to himself, even when the signs are clear as day, because admitting it might change everything. He sees the hatred in Allura's face when she speaks of the Galra, senses the tension between the Paladins in light of recent developments with the Red one, knows that if he came out and said what he knows is true that it might change everything. They might offer a solution, thinking they're doing him a favor. They would regard his situation with disgust and loathing, would think it impossible that he could find something good and exciting and joyful about what's been done to his body, what's happening inside him.

Matt doesn't think he can handle hearing that name (Thace) spoken with hatred.

So he's hiding it, for now. He's wearing bigger clothes, pretending he isn't craving bizarre Galran delicacies, reciting periodic elements to distract himself from how acutely he wants to be with someone, wants to touch and hold and be touched and held.

And he's also currently doubled over the toilet in the bathroom, puking up his breakfast. Hopefully nobody comes in and finds him like this. That'd be...difficult to explain.]

[lionblade]

[ it still feels like a dream

finding out that he's galra, making allies of a powerful resistance group, defeating zarkon, losing shiro, finding matt-- it feels like everything happened all at once, and keith is still reeling from it. he wears the black paladin's armor now because it's what shiro wanted. he tries his best to lead the team because it's what shiro wanted. he tries to keep up good relations between the blades and team voltron because it's what they need, and because he can't stop thinking about the galra soldier that gave his life for shiro, and the other galra soldier that gave his life for him.

allura's taken over piloting the red lion which seems uncomfortable for both of them, keith was only just getting used to the deeper bond with his lion and now he's trying to take shiro's place and bond with a lion that was still struggling with a connection to zarkon. he wonders-- quietly, of course-- if it wouldn't have been better for allura to take black, if their personalities wouldn't have been a better match, but shiro wanted keith to lead.

they can still form voltron. it doesn't feel right, and they can't maintain the synchronization for as long as they used to, but they can manage. and they've won themselves time to regroup and reorganize, all the news out of the galra empire is rumors about zarkon being injured, and squabbling military commanders that can't agree on anything, and even a few daring planets declaring independence from the empire. zarkon's heir, lotor, has yet to make an appearance on the battlefield. it's a respite the paladins desperately needed while they try to figure out what happened to shiro.

the black lion has to know what happened somehow, and they were all mentally connected up until the very end. keith's sure the answers are just beyond his reach in the lion bond, and he's lucky that no one questions his determination to spend time every day trying to meditate and bond with the black lion on top of all his other duties as fake-shiro.

one of which is checking up on their new arrival. it feels like decades since keith last saw matt holt. he remembers being a little jealous, back in the day, he remembers envying how comfortable shiro and matt seemed around each other. the darling of the garrison pilot program and the child prodigy of the science world seemed to have so much in common, and they joked with each other, smiled at each other, even expanded their little social group to include keith sometimes for reasons he never understood. keith knew he wasn't good company, he could get that shiro was trying to encourage his talents for the garrison but he'd never figured out why matt bothered to be polite to him, unless he was just humoring shiro.

keith had never managed to summon the courage to talk to pidge about her brother, figuring that was better left in shiro's more tactful hands. all keith could ever think about was how things might have been different if he had been the one captured with shiro.

anyway he doesn't mean to intrude, but he hears the telltale sound of retching and assumes that lance made good on his stupid bet to eat five plates of food goo to get out of sparring with allura. ]

Lance, I swear, if you think that making yourself sick is going to get you out of training--

[ oh and that's. not lance. he freezes, uncertain, guiltily thinking that maybe he should call pidge to handle this, and then shakes himself and steps forward. ]

Matt, are you okay?

[theotherholt]

[The noticeable void that Shiro's left is something else Matt doesn't allow himself to think about. The fact that he'd been so close to being reunited with his (friend, teammate, crewmate, whatever they'd become in those endless months in space, something special and sacred and unable to be described) with him was almost as painful as the other gaping absences in Matt's life.

(He'd talked about Shiro, about the mission, about his father and sister and mother and earth. Perhaps that had been the tipping point, the thing that had turned him from dutiful slave to something else, because rather than scoffing or eye-rolling or teasing, he'd gotten nothing but intent, curious attention, a clawed hand playing with his hair or smoothing down the line of his bare back, tangled in cooling sheets, still breathing heavy and shaky, body shivering with aftershock and the slick and seed drying between his thighs and they said he was dead, he was dead Thace was dead--)]

I'm fine. [He knew it was Keith, on some subconscious level. Maybe he'd recognized the smell -- though whether that's because of Matt's changes or Keith's heritage isn't for sure -- or maybe the footsteps. Maybe he'd been praying on some level for Shiro and Keith was the closest thing.

That's a strange thought, and Matt rocks forward, gags and chokes, comes up with nothing. His stomach is spasming, empty.

Well. Not quite empty.]

I'm fine. [He croaks it again, curling up tighter, away from the familiar voice, the familiar scent. Keith smells Galra, so strongly that Matt wonders why he never noticed it, back on Earth.]

[lionblade]

You don't look fine.

[ guilt stabs him immediately; he should've been checking up on matt more regularly instead of assuming that pidge would report something wrong. that's what shiro would've done.

he resists a weird urge to crowd closer, maybe sniff at matt's neck, trying to pin down that strange smell-- not the sour stench of sick, he can smell that just fucking fine. ever since he'd gone through the trials he'd noticed weird little things like scents being stronger and more affecting. he could find most of his obnoxious teammates by following his nose.

matt doesn't smell like a paladin, though. he smells upset, although keith doesn't know how he knows what 'upset' smells like. ]

[theotherholt]

[Matt grumbles a little, lifting his head and wrinkling his nose at Keith -- and in that moment he looks almost identical to Pidge. He's about to insist again that he's fine, because for the first time the presence of another living creature isn't making him want to run and hide, curl up and protect his stomach, the way having Allura or even Lance nearby does. He knows what they'd think, what they'd want to do. He knows and it terrifies him.

Keith is the first person who Matt doesn't feel like he has to protect himself from. He smells human, he smells Galra, he smells, underneath it all, like Shiro, a faint scent that speaks of an intimacy that Matt remembers from their Garrison days. It's strange, but he can remember that closeness without the old stab of jealousy. Just something like fond nostalgia.

So instead of snarling and retreating, he just sighs, rests his cheek against the cool metallic toilet bowl.]

I'm not...well. But you. Can't tell anyone.

[lionblade]

[ he's not expecting the capitulation. he was expecting a fight, an argument, and the lack of resistance puts him off-balance. ]

What do you mean, 'not well?' If you're sick, you need to go down to the infirmary or the healing pods. You're--

[ he clenches his fists, picturing an awful prospect. ]

You're safe here, Matt, you should feel safe here. I'm... we're not gonna let anything happen to you, your sister will never let anything happen to you. You won't be captured again.

[theotherholt]

[Matt interrupts with a short, frustrated, weary sound, glancing up at Keith sideways. That intensity, that passion -- it's all very familiar. It's from another life entirely, but it hasn't changed a bit.]

That's...not what I'm afraid of. [He trails off, shudders against another nauseous heave, shudders as there's a different sort of movement entirely under the skin of his abdomen.] ...and I can't go to the infirmary. I can't -- nobody can know. Nobody can know.

[lionblade]

Nobody can know what? What's going on?

[theotherholt]

[Matt slowly stands up, hand over his mouth, moving closer, close enough for Keith to smell past the acrid smell of sick. If he's any part Galra, he'll know. Of course he'll know.]

Can't you tell?

[lionblade]

Tell what? You're throwing up, you're acting like you're hurt--

[ hunched, ever so slightly, protecting his core. protecting his stomach, and now that keith's looking...

he pulls in a deep, involuntary breath, full of something so familiar he can almost taste it on his tongue. his brows knit, uncertainty flickering across his face. ]

I don't understand.

[theotherholt]

[Matt waits, hands drifting down unconsciously, splaying over his stomach. Protectively. He has his hopes, his hunches about how Keith will react, but if he's wrong, if it's anger and confusion instead, he's ready to defend himself.

His face is impassive. Stony.]

The Galra can change people. You know that. [It's unclear if he's talking about Shiro and his arm or Keith and his...everything.]

[lionblade]

[ he controls a flinch. he doesn't want to believe that learning the truth about his heritage has changed him, he's still who he was before. he still likes the same foods and has the same memories and everything. it's everybody else that's side-eyeing him, looking for some big visible difference when there isn't one.

warily, ]

Are you saying-- what are you saying. The Galra changed you?

[ his gaze flickers again to matt's stomach, the way he's holding it. shielding it. if matt were a woman, it might be pretty obvious what that gesture implies.

except that's ridiculous. he can't bring himself to say it aloud, it's too bizarre. ]

Just tell me.

[theotherholt]

[By this point Matt is tired of dancing around the subject -- he's aching all over, his stomach is still clenching unpleasantly, he's starving and horny and lonely and just so, so tired. So he's blunt, to the point, almost humorously so:]

I'm pregnant. Knocked up. Expecting. In the family way. In a delicate condition. Bun in the oven. Eating for two. [A pause, one hand pressing a little on his stomach, thoughtfully.] ...six. I'm pregnant and I'm two weeks along which doesn't seem like very long until you learn Galra gestation periods are only about four months. So, in three and a half months, more or less, I'm not going to be able to keep this a secret anymore and the entire galaxy is going to hate me.

[Matt stops, catching his breath, throat tight, eyes burning as they fix on Keith.] Are you going to be one of the ones who does, Keith? Are you going to hate me too?

[lionblade]

[ ok, well, turns out it's no less bizarre when matt is the one saying it out loud. keith's eyes go wide and his mouth gapes open a little, probably making him look like a landed fish. he looks at matt's stomach like he's expecting something to... he doesn't know, burst out, move, be different from the way it looked a second ago.

but his jaw snaps shut when matt rounds on him, his response immediate and unthinking. ]

What? No! How could you think--

[ except obviously there's very good reason for matt to think. he scowls ferociously. ]

No.

[theotherholt]

[Matt shifts back to lean against the wall, both arms crossed over his stomach, the only change he'll allow himself. His instincts want him to be careful, to protect his kits, to keep them safe no matter what, and it's hard to keep his body language neutral. But he has to. He has to.

And he wants to believe the denial behind that scowl, but his brow stays furrowed.]

Really?

[lionblade]

Yes, really.

[ he doesn't know why he's so upset about it, but the idea of hurting matt right now, of making him feel unsafe, is so fundamentally repulsive that he can't even put it properly into words. the simplest rationalization would be to protest that matt is pidge's brother and shiro's friend, so of course keith can't hate him, but that's not what came to his mind first. matt-- belongs to shiro, kind of. would be under his protection, if shiro were here, but shiro's not and keith is, and that puts matt under keith's protection. ]

If anyone ever tries to hurt you, they'd have to go through me first.

[ and then the pregnancy stuff catches up with his brain, and he yelps like an extremely high-pitched little dog. ]

Wait, you're pregnant?

[theotherholt]

[That reaction is so ridiculous, so delayed and dramatic and so very KEITH that's Matt's actually laughs. He remembers that, how this younger boy seemed physically incapable of feeling anything by halves, always putting his entire heart and soul into every emotion.

It had been something that worried and amused Shiro in equal measure.

Clearing his throat, still grinning:] Um, yes? I thought that was established.

[lionblade]

No? No. How can you be-- pregnant, you're a boy, you're-- how could...

[ just give him a minute or eight to flounder through it, doing his very best impression of a stunned fish. ]

--you're pregnant with. From. A Galra. With Galra babies.

[theotherholt]

[It's all good, Matt can wait.

No, wait, no he can't, standing is a chore these days, so he slowly lowers to sit cross-legged, exhaling in relief.]

Yeah, that's what "pregnant" means. Would you like me to draw you a diagram?

[lionblade]

[ yes, maybe, but not if matt's going to slide to the floor like that. keith switches from flustered to concerned instantly, kneeling down. ]

Are you okay? I can call--

[ allura, who hates galra. pidge, who has been through enough shit. ok, maybe he's starting to get an idea of what matt meant earlier by having to keep this a secret. ]

--nevermind. Let me get you some water.

[ and some anti-nausea meds if he wants them. and a damp towel for matt to wipe his face. it's distressing to think of matt alone in one of these rooms, sick and stressed and hiding it, when he should be being taken care of. someone is supposed to be with him. ]

If... if you're pregnant, you shouldn't be by yourself. This room isn't right.

[ he doesn't know why he said that, but he knows it's true. this room isn't a proper place for babies or for nesting, it smells like anxiety and disuse. ]

[theotherholt]

I'm fine.

[It's automatic, accompanied by a particular sort of sourly stubborn look that Keith's probably seen on Pidge half a thousand times. On Matt it's undercut with a definite stoniness, even though it's a complete lie.

Then, tightening his arms around himself, softer:] I don't have any other options than to be by myself. There isn't anyone to be with.

[By which he means the one person who should be, who needs to be, is dead and gone. And the next possible option is missing. It's a reality Matt is still trying to steel himself to.]

[lionblade]

[ that thought is crossing keith's mind as well. if shiro were here, he'd know what to say instead of turning it into an argument. if shiro were here he'd be able to handle this, he would know what matt needed and what he would listen to. keith isn't good with words and he doesn't have any authority here, matt's not going to take orders from him.

all he can do is look unhappy and frustrated, and then slide down the wall to sit down too. if matt's not going to go anywhere, then neither is keith. ]

You're wrong. Pidge would do anything for you, she's not going to-- I don't know, flip out and kick you out of the castle. You're her family. You're...

[ someone precious to shiro. ]

Shiro would. Want you to take care of yourself. To be safe.

[theotherholt]

[Based on every single one of his instincts thus far, Matt should be recoiling. He should be inching away and trying to get as much distance between himself and Keith as humanly possible. He's been doing that with everyone else, after all.

But instead...instead he stays still. Hands folded over his stomach, which is still small, still only slightly rounded. He sits very still and looks sideways at Keith, wondering why being this close isn't frightening or stressful.]

...I'm not afraid for myself. [His hands squeeze together a little tighter.] I know Kat-- Pidge wouldn't kick me out. But she'd...try to help. She'd think it'd be helping to...get rid of the problem.

...she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want her to.

[lionblade]

[ it's nothing that keith's doing on purpose. he hasn't been around babies or pregnant mothers or anything like that since he was a kid himself, and he definitely hasn't been around any pregnant prisoners of war. the only thing in his head is a deep, instinctive horror of matt being left alone, being sick and scared, of not having shiro with him or his family or anyone who would protect him and make him feel safe.

watching matt's hands clench together over the faint, faint swell of his belly is both terrifying and-- imperative, somehow. it would be unthinkable to leave now and turn this over to pidge, or to allura, or to anybody else, even if keith would be the first to acknowledge that he doesn't know exactly what to do. that's not important. he has to do something about this. he doesn't know why, but he has to.

he also knows that upsetting matt is absolutely not what he wants to happen, so he clamps down on any reaction to what matt's saying. his only reflex is a spasm of horror across his face at the words 'get rid of the problem,' which is ridiculous, of course that's a thing people do when they don't want babies, and he's never had a visceral reaction to the thought before. ]

You. [ he makes his voice soft, neutral, holding back everything he possibly can, this is not about him. ]

You want to keep it? Them, I mean them. That's what you want?

[theotherholt]

[Matt nods, tightly, head down, hands curled tight, so tight they hurt. He can't stop, though. Can't stop because he doesn't know what Keith will think, not of this. It's bad enough that Matt's...different, altered now. Bad enough that he's in this condition.

But the fact that he wants this, that he chose this...he doesn't know how anyone can accept that. He can't stand to see the loathing, the disgust that he's certain will cross Keith's concerned, serious face. But he keeps watch anyway, sideways, eyes very bright.]

Yes. Yes, they're mine. They're -- they didn't do anything wrong. It's not their fault. [In spite of himself, his grip over his stomach softens, becoming more of a caress, a soothing gesture.] I...want. Wanted. Want this.